The joy of ducking, or how to keep filthy toys clean
By Nantie Steyn
Miniature plastic bath ducks will never be the same again after going to a Lola Montez Fetish and Fantasy party at the Tanz Cafe in Bryanston the other night.
"Look," Sonia said as she turned one over to switch it on, and then she said no more. The duck vibrated solidly, and Sonia had a glint in her eye.
"Bath time" acquired a whole new meaning.
The Bunny chipped in. "It's a great gift for your friends who are a little skaam. It does not look like a sex toy, but..." and there was that same glint.
Later Nurse Betty would demonstrate the deluxe model, Paris, on the stage for everybody. Paris was black and had a feather boa, which Nurse Betty recommended you remove if you were actually going to take her to bath with you.
"The beak and the tail are excellent for clitoral stimulation," she demonstrated again, "and penis fits snugly on the back, behind the head. Shall I send her round?" And that was what she did. Paris was about to get fiddled with a lot. I wondered if anybody considered making a video and posting it on the internet. The demo was very helpful and clarified many of the questions I had when I was standing at the display of merchandise earlier on.
Take, for example, the silicone benwa balls. I would try to explain what they look like, but then there will be no room in the rest of the story for the rest of the story. Suffice to say that there are two of them on a thin, knobbly silicone cord; they are about the size of large blue walnuts, ribbed, and heavier than I they looked. Excellent, according to The Bunny, for strengthening the vaginal muscles, which will, in turn, help you to have better orgasms. I thought they looked fantastic. Just Google them and hit "I'm feeling lucky" you'll see what I mean.
There were some more familiar items. Whips, crops, beads and vibrators in all sizes and animal shapes were stacked on the table. A large, busty girl with legs up to heaven next to me shrieked when she spotted Danny the Dolphin, which remains a classic in the genre, "Ooh! I love my Dolphin!" She took a closer look at Sonia and The Bunny. "Ooh! You were at the Sexpo! You sold me the Dolphin! I am recommending it to everybody!"
Sonia and the Bunny looked pleased, but Legs-up-to-Heaven's smoke was drifting up my nose so I asked her to move. She flustered an apology and took off. Sonia pointed out that we were actually standing in the smoking section. Well, I was done window shopping for the moment anyway, so I went to find my table, which I shared with the Schoolgirls. Predictably, they smoked like delinquents.
I looked around. Quite a few of the girls had the guts to pitch in their suspenders for the "dress up for prizes" part of the scheduled activities. Other than my dining companions, there was a French Maid, a Sailor Girl, (another) Nurse, and more Bunny Girls.
It would have been fun to see greater variety: where was Sister Innocenta from the Order of the Shattered Hearts? The Riding Instructor? Metro Police Girl? Pussy Galore? Cat Woman? Latex, as I once discovered completely by accident on a website (I was looking for a red plastic raincoat for a film shoot, I swear) has a committed following. I thought at the Lola Montez party it really would be coming out of the closet. But not.
Two hunks with many muscles were going from table to table giving the girls neck massages, which they seemed to enjoy a lot. (The women, I mean. The women were enjoying the neck massages.) Apart from the barman and the manager, they were the only men at the party. Oh yes, and the Rope Master.
Sharon Gordon, (Missus Lola Montez) called the Rope Master to the stage after explaining the difference between "fantasy" and "fetish". Fantasy, apparently, is what "stays in the imagination", and "fetish" is what is "in the world." The Rope Master agreed with her that if your fetish is so consuming that you cannot achieve any kind of pleasure at all without, for example, being peed on, you may have a problem. Fantasy, on the other hand, should be shared almost freely, although it is probably not smart, she advised the girls, to tell your guy about your fantasies around "his brother, his uncle, his brother and uncle together and the Alsatian in the back yard..."
"The 'Fetish and Fantasy' party has been the hardest one to do so far," Sharon told me later, "because it is so edgy." I could understand that. Amongst the Rope Master's "safety tips", was to "keep a sharp cutting tool on the bedside table". I was the only one in the audience who found this to be on the extremely funny side of edgy, but apparently excessive mirth was in poor taste under the circumstances. Such tool is exactly what you will need if your partner is about to lose a limb because the ties to the bedposts are cutting off his circulation, but I suspect it will be the end of his Sharon Stone fantasy.
The other Sharon started Lola Montez about five years ago from a pink suitcase. Freshly divorced and in need of a vibrator she took herself shopping after downing three tequilas. "It was the worst shopping experience ever", she said. "The guy behind the counter looked like he was feeling himself up all day. So when I left I thought, hey, I can do this better. If someone as independent as I was felt that filthy shopping for sex toys, other women must really need some help." And so happened Lola Montez. To the first party she invited anybody "from Mother Mary to the local slut." She bought a stand at the Wedding Expo that year. She did bachelorette parties.
The pink-suitcase-parties became popular and women started asking her where her shop was. She promptly opened one at the back of her house in Morningside, which is where my friend Kate and I first found her about four years ago. Honestly, we had a lovely shopping experience.
Now you can buy "naughty things for nice girls" in Rosebank, Alberton and Benoni. Let's face it, it's safe sex for single girls, and it does not hurt in a relationship either. Sharon has been in a happy one since she started the business. "He must have thought, when we met, 'thank God, a woman with a cupboard full of sex toys!'"
I packed up my notebook and pencil and asked for the bill. The R120 entrance fee covered a welcome drink and a "goody bag", but not anything else you eat and drink. Sonia and Nurse Betty were in the bar trying out a crop. Sonia, whose hands were tied behind her back with an intricate rope harness earlier on, used her new liberty to whack Nurse Betty gaily on the thigh. Nurse Betty shrieked and stroked the spot, but smiled. The evening was over, and lots of fun was had by all. Find the dates for the next "Lola Ladies' Night" on the website, www.lolamontez.co.za, or call 0861LOLAMO.
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